STRESS AND LIFE STYLE

In the wake of the economic boom people are under constant and tremendous pressure to perform at their work place, culminating in a highly stressful life poor health, burnouts and families falling apart. Factors causing stress are either psychological or physical strain. Psychological stress is determined by mental reaction to pressures and problems around us. Just like in the case of phobia if the stress is recognized half the battle is won. A change in the life style with a positive outlook to life can bust stress and physical strain. But unfortunately the life style adopted by the Indians has boosted the stress level in them. The resultant stress has taken epidemic proportion so much so the working couples hardly find time for their family.

Take the case of a working couple. The couple is enmeshed in an engineered life of their own with no time to spare for their child. The child is left to himself and consequently is beset with pathological symptoms and abnormal behavior. The whooping salary of the parents does not propitiate the child who is languishing in his own world. The bond between the child and parents which was precariously hanging on a tenuous thread eventually snaps. This in turn ends up in interminable spats between the couple. They realize that there is a stark contrast in all their views likes and dislikes. The situation further aggravates and the couple seeks divorce on grounds of incompatibility. What they fail to understand is that marriage is an institution which has stood the test of time over the last several decades. They need to know that life is not a contract or a business. Divorce is synonymous to trauma which leaves an indelible mark on the couple as years pass by the divorced people will notice the void in their life and realize that they are avoided even by their relatives and friends. They find themselves in isolation and will peter away with the society bulldozing them into the thinking that divorce is the be all and end all.

There is a strong case for deep reflections on whether this growing trend is conducive for societal health. Materialism and neo modernism following the western world blindly has brought about the change in the lifestyle. The Indians are found beholding the western pastures by adopting a fast life at the cost of their family. By following the western world Indians have descended into a certain navel gazing at a time when they are required to make their life style a metaphor for deeper transformation and not merely treat them as catalysts of change. Despite the life expectancy rising, Indians are indulging in life style which is not conducive to a healthy life. It is high time necessary action is taken to stem the rot and salvage the decadent and moribund. We fail to understand the value of living. We are in the rat race and never introspect and do a correction to bring harmony in our lives. We need to take a stock of our lives and look at our problems in a holistic way instead of reacting like a school boy hurt and running away from responsibilities. With a robust economy we have to be aware of the challenges faced by our life style to maintain our impressive sojourn. We need to envisage a radical change in the life style that cocks a snook at the Indian tradition and culture.

All human beings have naffs and the spirit of every man and woman is bestowed with both beauteous as well as bestial aspects. The unity of being oneness is the core of belief. We need to abnegate the stressful life for an emotionally satisfying and a peaceful and harmonious coexistence.

To quote J. Cyle "The best of all monopoly profits is a quiet life".

Anger Management

Anger is the most experienced emotion that threatens to rule our lives. I believe that anger is a signal that denotes we are deprived of our needs without justification, our rights are infringed and our feelings have been hurt. Angry people like other angry animals look vicious. Anger signals a problem but venting anger is not the solution. Anger is responsible for strained relationship as it propels us to take action which we dare not take in the normal course. Anger is the memory of being hurt. To resolve your anger first possess your hurt. Medical parlance states that an uncontrolled anger can raise the level of energy hormones and adrenalin culminating in a paralytic stroke or even a cardiac arrest. Violent anger is said to be normally prevalent in families which are emotionally unbalanced and not adept at emotional communication. Anger is inevitable as our lives have to adjust to giving in and getting along with others. But when we voice our anger without clarity and control we give an impression that we are unbalanced and provide others with a notion not to take us seriously. When we are angry it is imperative that we state our thoughts and feelings clearly so that it is congruent with our values and beliefs. If we do not understand our anger we fail to clarify our feelings, thoughts and priorities culminating in endless bickering. An effective solution to counteract our anger is to analyze the real issue instead of getting embroiled in the bickering without actually knowing the cause.

I believe that one of the hall marks of emotional maturity is to recognize the validity of multiple realities and to understand that people think, feel and react differently.

When we use anger to determine our values, priorities and our needs we don't have to become distressed to note that we are unclear. However our lack of clarity does not tantamount to weakness, on the contrary it should be taken as a challenge, and our strength. It would be more appropriate if we could use our anger as a lever to change patterns. At times our anger creates a fear in us for we apprehend that our anger may be ridiculed by others. It is important to maintain a calm position when it involves bickering with close relatives to bring about a lasting change. There is nothing wrong in trying to change someone but normally this attempt to change others remains futile, abortive and self defeating. It is better to move away from such ineffective fighting and give up the fantasies about changing others or change yourself to adapt to circumstances without sacrificing your values. Change is easier when you share your intentions and progress with some one you care. It is said that people who try to change for the good are healthier and happier than those who stay in the rut. Sometimes we do not express our anger but tend to suppress it. This in fact triggers stress leading to a personality perpetually cynical and hostile. In such an event a compromise is healthier because one adjusts willingly and is aware what he is giving up without sacrificing his values. Every problem has a solution but when we find that this is not so always we succumb to anger and this leads to frustration. If frustration is not nipped in the bud it leads to depression. In depressive mood withdrawal symptoms take the better of the depressed person. The person becomes paranoid and is eventually beset with pathological symptoms.

Marital spats are harmful to life. After the initial euphoria of blissful married life wanes, Couples engage in interminable spats as they traverse on two different orbits. They realize that there is a stark contrast in all their views and total dissonance in all their tastes, likes and dislikes. It takes time for them to accept each others strength and weakness. Hence arguing becomes an inevitable part of married life. It is said that the nuanced interactions between the couples and how they react to and resolve the conflict goes a long way to make a meaningful difference in the health of the marriage and the health of the couple.

Management of anger is vital for a healthy relationship. Relaxation is an important tool for managing anger. There are other modes of managing anger as follows.

1. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly for a couple of times
2. Listen to your favorite music as it has a soothing effect on the mind. Music perhaps more than any external experiences have the power to bring you home to yourself.
3. Yoga and meditation helps in the long run.
4. Talk to your friend or close relative in whom you have confidence and unwind yourself.
5. Read a book.
6. Go for a long walk.
7. Avoid the situation leading to anger.
8. In anger if you blurt expletives apologise immediately. An apology does not lower your self esteem; on the contrary it enhances your self esteem.

Winning a war against exceptive is as vital as winning a war against terrorism. After all if character is lost, everything is lost. Life is a precious gift; one has to savior it and not makes it an endless series of chores.

Avoiding Confrontation

1) Confrontation in life is inevitable. When you live and work with human beings you are exposed to the complexities of relationships and are subject to credibility and communication. In a confrontation you end up in hurting others feelings. This culminates in the other person harboring prejudice against you. The situation becomes more complex if both of you reside in the same neighbourhood, paving way for frequent quarrels. The difference in both of you keep sparking a string of squabbles which in turn sabotages peace. Either of you seek solace in your interminable spats - a true catharsis to your frazzled nerves. Confrontation should be handled tactfully. It is not the situation but the way we react to it. We can't tailor make the situations of life, but we can tailor make the attitude to fit them before they arise.

2) I believe that good life is not a passive existence when you live and let live. It is an involvement where you live and help live. No man is an island but when faced with pressures of life, we tend to forget this inter dependence. Interact with people frequently. Always perceive the good things in people and appreciate them. Never burn your bridges. Do not underestimate others. Be nice to people on your way up because you will meet them on your way down. Address the other side with tact and show concern for their dignity. Despite their having a reputation for being obnoxious and negative they will be completely enamored by your positive approach.

3) The first step in tackling a confrontation is to talk it over to the other person instead of harboring resentment. When you dislike the situation it does not tantamount to disliking the person. Rationalize with yourself and see that the pent up feelings are drawn away. Accept hard realities instead of brooding over them. Suffering and adversities are passing phase in one's life. Don't think that you have been singled out for misery. Adopt a right attitude towards life and cultivate emotional resilience. The way to become unhappy is to keep your hurt inside. Life is not about blame but about healing. You are solely responsible for maintaining healthy relationships from your side either through a change in attitude, a change in perception or a change in behavior.

4) The way you define your life determines your destiny. It is said that when you sow an action you reap a habit, when you sow a habit you reap a character and when you sow a character you reap a destiny. Life is a circus, a mini field, a roller coaster, a puzzle, a symphony and a journey. Life is also defined as carousal. Sometimes you are in high spirits, sometimes you are depressed. Life is a game and negotiation is a way of life. If you wish to succeed in life you must comprehend the game in its entirety.

5) Politeness and powerful behavior or assertiveness rather than aggressiveness are the factors for a positive confrontation. The polite part of confrontation is known as etiquette. What do we mean by etiquette? Etiquette means the code of polite behavior in a society. It means treating others with tact in both words and action.

The fundamental principles in a positive confrontation would be -
a) Gain awareness of how you present yourself.
b) Limit the assumption you make about the behavior of the people.
c) Learn to reduce conflict in your life.

6) First establish a rapport with others. To establish a rapport you have to build a relationship based on mutual trust and harmony which can be achieved by good etiquette. Major rapport is based on a ongoing relationship. Establish a better rapport with people you already have a long relationship. When you try to build a rapport with people always greet them. Say hello, good morning, thank you, have a nice day. You should handle yourself with grace and humor. True humor is when you laugh with people and not at them.

7) Humor needs to be clean so as to bring people together and not turn people away you can't have fun when you put people down. Humor without sensitivity is satire.

8) The next step is the body language. Body language is an indicator of your ethic and how you carry yourself. Pay attention to your body language. It depicts a strong non verbal message to the other person. Always have a pleasant facial expression. Look the person in the eye occasionally, but do not stare at him. Don't huff and puff and fidget. Tone down your voice in a confrontation but be clear in what you say. Be specific and don't beat about the bush. Cultivate a good posture with a smile. It indicates your friendliness and confidence. The other person who confronts you will be positive to your approach.

9) When confronted with a problem don't label the other person as selfish. You need to concentrate on him and not his behavior. Avoid blaming and accusing the person and do not comment on his behavior as lazy or disgusting. Do not exaggerate or generalize by using such words as "always, seldom, never etc." On the contrary be specific and tell the person what is bothering you about his behavior. Tell him politely what you expect him to do to change the situation. If he is adamant think of alternatives or consider whether to continue the relationship.

10) Try to avoid confrontation to the extent possible. I don't mean you should be naive when being intimidated by others. In such a situation speak your mind in a direct and firm manner. Ensure that you are not made a scapegoat or a door mat. Put across the fact that you cannot be taken for a ride. There is much put and prudence in the argument that a bit of assertiveness on one's part would come as handy to keep on a tight leash on the person who tries to intimidate you.

11) The first step to avoid confrontation is to arrange for a meeting with the person. Approach the person in a respectful manner and keep a watch on your voice. You don't want to pick a fight. You start the talk by saying "I believe that it is appropriate for you to know that you have hurt my feelings by your vitriolic outbursts and ugly invectives hurled on me". If the person continues to shout at you tell him politely that shouting at you will not help you to help him, on the contrary it makes both of your unproductive. You also need to tell him that it is not the appropriate way to talk to you. You can tell him to come back to you when he can talk calmly and you will be only glad to continue the discussion.

“The purpose of life after all is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience” - Eleanor Roosevelt

The Importance Of Making Successful Decisions

Decisions play a vital role in our day to day lives. A correct decision can uplift you and fulfill your expectations. On the contrary a wrong decision can mar your life with serious consequences. An effective decision helps in bringing about the state of affairs you are expecting. Effective decisions are essential in our lives for marriage, education, career choices and family matters. It is also essential for corporate, political and government matters. In fact decisions are made right from childhood up to retirement or even beyond that period.

The ability to make effective decision is a prime requirement for both professional and personal happiness. It is concerned with consulting people and taking them into confidence on an informal basis. Your decision need not necessarily be entirely on the advice of your friends and family. The information and advice from those you consult needs to be an addition to other facts, your gut, feelings and prejudices which have already been accumulated by you.

When you elicit information and take advice from others you start to understand what your decision is likely to involve and when it should be made. It also helps you to distinguish fact from opinion.

Some people are reluctant to take advice from others on personal decisions. The reluctance on their part may be due to pride, arrogance or secretiveness. If you wish to see fatuous self importance, you should watch such persons, when arrogance is matched by incompetence, certitude by incorrect decision and knowledge by banalities. What they need to understand is that when they choose to make decisions alone, they loose a wealth of information and experience found in other people. I do not advocate you to entirely depend on others advice for your decisions. Such dependence on other can turn out to be counter productive in as much as they allow yourself to be solely governed by decisions made by others. In fact submitting to other's decision without, taking into consideration the facts which you have already gathered on the matter can adversely affect your life as they are based on feelings inappropriate to you. You will never learn from your good and bad decisions.

Before you take advice from others you should plan your strategy properly. Plan who you are going to consult and what you actually need to ask that person which will help you to arrive at a correct and effective decision. That way you can be in charge of the advice you eventually receive. Further when you consult your friend or relative ensure that the person has adequate knowledge about the matter you intend to consult. It is important that you consult someone who knows you very well. He will be in a position to predict the consequences of your decision.

Rushing to a friend or your relative on an impulse, will end in your decision being a complete fiasco. When an impulsive decision is made by you despite your gut feelings and your intrinsic instinct cautioning you that such decision will not be hunky dory with your life, you end up in regretting your reckless act of letting your whimsical heart rule your head. Sometimes an impulsive decision though being innocuous is doubly dubious. More over people visualise that you have a penchant for converting every decision into a raging controversy. In such an event you are faced with one or two choices either back your instinct and trust cold logic or tread the beaten path.

When you consult a friend and make a decision based on his advice you tend to pass on the responsibility to your friend and blame him when the decision goes wrong. This culminates in loosing your friend. Most importantly remember that you are solely responsible for your decisions and your friend's advice is only an output for making your decision. To save your friendship you need to collect as much information as possible on the matter before you translate your friend's advice into your decision. If you feel that the advice given by your friend will not help you to make a correct decision do not offend or annoy him by rejecting his advice outright. Most people do understand that you need to make your own decisions. The best course of action would be to point out to him in a friendly way that his advice was considered seriously, however it was found that it is not the determining factor. This way you give your friend an impression that his output was useful but it was not the determining factor. This perhaps will save your friendship.

In a marriage joint decision is always desirable in personal matters. Sometimes the wife does not participate with the husband in making decision, leaving the decision making entirely to her husband. (In some cases vice versa is also in vogue). An illustration in this regard is as follows.

Let us say the wife for the sake of argument desists from expressing a firm opinion. She will be content with discussing the matter with her husband in a noncommittal way. She is happy to listen to her husband talk about the decision but when it comes to making a decision she never makes herself clear about her preference. Eventually decisions after decisions are made by the husband only. The husband takes his wife for granted and goes ahead fully convinced that his wife will not come of the fence.

As this pattern of decision prevails in the family, life gets more and more determined by the husband rather than jointly. By not joining in the decision making, the wife has absolved herself of the consequences arising out of the decision. It is apparent that her acquiescence, Concealed a fundamental lack of commitment. Even though she may not opt to walk out of the door she will leave him emotionally and perhaps mentally.

A joint decision is always preferable when it comes to educating their children, a marriage proposal for their offspring or whether to move out of the house. In such matters tactful adjustments should be made without anyone partner imperiously foisting his / her view point on the other.

A paranoid person fears consulting others before making a decision. His fear is based on his imagination and illusion. The person fears the advice sought from others may do him more harm than good. The person fears that whatever he reveals to others may be used against him. He fears ridicule and imagines that others may upset his apple cart. But he does not foresee, the harm he inflicts on him by making a decision in isolation. Paradoxically the best way to allay his fears would be to tell all the details to everyone. This way the matter ceases to be a secret and it is much likely that people will not use the information against him.

Apropos corporate decisions the officials are not only responsible but accountable as well. The official is required to make decisions based on merit of each case and within the ambit of the corporate rules and regulations.

Successful people take initiative. They believe that responsibility is taken, not given. Successful people are passionate about the things they do.